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Step 4: Now to Get Even Closer

How You Can Move Him Even Closer

So far you have given him all the right nonverbal body language cues to show that you are interested in him and you have accepted him into your space, for now. He also proved he could carry on a decent conversation, you share some common interests, and he is socialized and not weird. He has also showed interest in what you had to say and valued your opinions. So now you want to expand on that and share more personal interests with him.

How to Take a Giant Flirting Step Forward Now

At this point in the connection you want to come emotionally and physically closer to him, so here is what you are going to do. You may even do it totally unconsciously because it is wired into your DNA as a flirting cue when you want to get closer to a man. What you will do in Step 4 is very subtle, so make sure you do it right.

You are going to touch him.

It will appear casual, unpremeditated and accidental rather than serious. It may be a momentary touch on the arm as you laugh at something he said, or it may be a pat on the back as a symbolic gesture of "good job" after he tells a joke. In any case it is not accidental! Your strong DNA flirting program is saying to him, "I feel safe with you and I want you to come emotionally and physically closer." And consciously, or perhaps totally unconsciously, you will be looking and waiting for a reply to your daring nonverbal flirting body language message.

Watch how his body language replies to your touch and intended message. His response should be to accept your touch by an immediate slight move or friendly gesture toward you and a return touch. Moving away or not replying with a touch (ignoring it) would indicate that he is not ready to come closer, is afraid of you, or just plain dense and slow in this mating game.

His positive response (the one you are looking for) should be to return your touch with an equal touch. His response should be precise yet appear ever so casual. To increase the emotional connection with you he must reply in a very short time (usually in less than several minutes) with an equally casual touch, never stronger than yours. This nonverbal flirting body language implies an equality of interest and a feeling of safety. Your touch should assure him that you let down your defenses and have accepted him as being safe and interesting enough to let him get emotionally and physically closer.

You understand well that the quality of his touch is very revealing. Much more revealing than his words! When you both do this touch and return touch correctly, your bodies will be carrying on a powerful body language conversation that says, "I like and trust you and I want you to come closer." This body language is often done completely unconsciously, because it is instinctual behavior carried in our DNA.

About Touching

Touching is a touchy subject! As a sensory system it is deeply programmed into our old mammalian brain core and limbic system which comes from our animal ancestors even farther back than vertebrates. Touch evolved as the first line of defense for survival as well as detecting safe environments. Touch can encode a primordial sense of closeness beyond words. The way a touch is given communicates easily and instantly, because the touch sensors deliver the message directly to many parts of the brain. Touching is one of the brain's most real and reliable forms of relating to others. Touch can be one of the most important and enjoyable activities in flirting, dating, and relationships.

If you want to start the passion juices flowing later, move your touching down the arm gradually to the hand. Hand bare skin, with a little dampness, can be very sexually stimulating because of the huge number of nerves running directly to the old brain. Different nerves sense temperature, pressure, and rubbing. Stimulate all three. (Are you getting hot just thinking about it? He will be! Better save this for later.)

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You Can Learn a Great Deal From His First Physical Contact

His and your touch actually probe beneath casual words to true feelings. Touching another's body is the evolutionary true test of the relationship status. Since there are so many tactile nerve sensors connected directly to the brain, touching is one of the most meaningful and pleasurable experiences shared between two people.



Your touch can express agreement, affection, support or to emphasize a point. Even without words along with a touch, clear messages can be exchanged by silent touch. Touching is so powerful that it can evoke strong negative reactions as well as positive responses. Therefore there are many rules of conduct about touching another person -- or not.  During your flirting project you can use touching to your advantage but there are precautions. Below are some general rules for touching generally followed in most western countries, but these rules are often modified by various cultures, religions, and ethnic groups.

  • Strangers may shake hands but generally do not touch any other part of the body.
  • Most western women are much less comfortable about being touched by an opposite-sex stranger than men are. Generally men avoid any touches, especially with another man, which may seem threatening or over-familiar.
  • Men all too often interpret women's friendly gestures as sexual invitations. Women need to be clear and careful in giving touching signals to men without being over-familiar. The arm is the least sexual part of the body that women can feel relatively safe in touching on a man. Although it is a relatively short distance from the arm to the hand, a touch is received very differently in each place.
  • A flirting first touch may not bring an immediate equal and return touch. However other friendly and more intimate body language may immediately increase, like moving closer and more eye contact with eye pupils getting larger.

Touching Can Be Great Fun

Flirting leg action Your first casual touch, followed immediately by his proper reply, opens the door for both of you to come emotionally and physically closer for a lot more fun! This moment is a giant leap forward in the relationship. The natural course of action from now on is to increase the frequency and quality of the touch as you explore each other.

Women naturally have a quality touch, for they are programmed to nurture their offspring with tenderness and love. Men are more wired to throw spears, bust rocks and club animals or each other. A man's touch may be a bit crude and rough compared to a woman's touch. Since the body's touch sensors are wired to so many parts of the brain, especially to the old brain limbic system, basic instincts are aroused with even a casual touch. Your touch (actually any woman's touch) probably is going to cause a moment of confusion in him. His old brain limbic system is going to interpret your touch message the way he WANTS to hear it: "Wow! Here is a woman to help me spread my DNA genes around right now!" At the same time his newer brain cognitive areas are hopefully understanding and controlling the older basic instincts. Therefore, his response to your touch will say much about how socialized he is. A man may even ignore the touch because he is confused by the conflicting messages in both his old and new brain areas and, therefore, he does not know what to do. You may need to speak directly to his newer brain cognitive areas and say clearly what it is you want from him!

If you have both become closer physically and emotionally by talking and discovering common interests, it is time to move to Step 5.

Go to Step 5

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© Copyright 2005, revised 2009 by Lawrence Rodrigues, M.S., Director: EastWest Institute for Self-Understanding.
All rights reserved worldwide.