Step 2 is to close the physical distance between you both so you can evaluate him. You need to get him to come closer to talk with you.
Your long eye contact, smile, and looking down is an ancient body language cue that invited him to come talk to you. This body language tactic has worked for millions of ancestors, and it is still in our DNA. If he is the strong and brave type guy most women want, he will get your body language message and decide to approach you with his opening line.
When you see he is getting up his courage to come over to you, look him in the eyes and give him a gentle, welcoming smile. That will greatly relieve his fear of possible rejection and start him moving toward you. He will be grateful for your welcome smile.
As he approaches, you can unconsciously read his body language as he walks toward you. A woman's DNA is finely tuned to watch every man's body language as he approaches. Women have had to do this for millions of generations and make quick decisions to stick around or escape! Your first and deepest instincts are to watch for signs of danger and possible sexual attack from every man approaching.
This decision-making wisdom is in women's genes, and they can detect danger far away by the man's body language. So in this case, you instinctively watch his body language as he walks toward you. You are unconsciously watching to see if he moves and behaves like the well socialized man is expected to be doing in your culture and society.
If he appears hostile, aggressive, and dangerous, your legs are automatically going to start running! Your unconscious mind with all the necessary data from your ancestors' past experiences is working automatically to decide if he is safe or not. Scientists have even identified the area of the old brain where this life-saving instinct takes place. It is called the amygdala, and it works faster than your conscious awareness!
When he is close enough to talk to you, face him directly, look at him with a gentle, welcoming smile and wait for his "opening line". Hopefully, his "opening line" should essentially only say who he is (his name) and ask if he can talk with you.
About a Guy's "Opening Line"
An "opening line" is the first comment a guy makes to the woman he approaches. Most guys work hard developing an opening line. There is great fear that they will be rejected and will be made to look like a real loser, or worse, in front of everyone there.
His initial approach to a new woman is always a fearful situation. At his deepest old brain limbic system level, it is all about hunting, survival of his genes and proving himself as a great hunter for the tribe or family group. He feels like everyone there is watching to see "what he is made of". So guys often do a couple of things to minimize the damage to their ego if not accepted and are publicly rejected! Here is what many guys do with their opening line for damage control:
The uncountable bad opening lines used in the past by many men reveals how extremely stressful this is for guys. At this moment, the woman has the power to reject him and make him look like the worst kind of loser in front of all the other men and women there.
Rejection in front of everyone there is what men fear most when approaching a woman in a public place. This is really about proving his value as a successful hunter and survivor.
You have great power over him in this tense momentary situation so make it easy on him. If you make it easy for him to approach, you will be half way there to making a new grateful friend. The first 4 seconds are the most important in making a good lasting impression on him. Welcome him with class and charm and he will think he has found the greatest woman in the world!
Whether to extend your hand for a handshake depends on the culture and environment. It is sometimes the polite thing to do, and it can provide a lot of extra hidden information about the other person. Learn how to read in his handshake what he doesn't want you to know!
In the U.S., it has become the custom in social situations for women to follow men's rules in handshaking. That means to make sure your right hand is free to shake hands if he extends his hand first. If he doesn't extend his hand, you may extend yours for a handshake if appropriate. This will make it clear that you consider women and men to be treated and respected equally. So if it is appropriate where you are, extend your hand for a handshake. This will give you a chance to evaluate what kind of a guy he is!
Here is what to watch for in his handshake:
If he rotates your hand so his hand is over the top of yours (his palm facing down, forcing yours to face up in his) guess how he wants his body to be in relation to yours? This is a very controlling guy, and he wants to "jump on your bones" right now. Watch out!
If he holds your hand vertical with gentle up-down movement, this shows a sense of equality between you both. If both of you have your hands vertical, then the strength of the grip is most revealing here:
If his eyes disconnect immediately looking off to the left or right, he is disinterested (or afraid) in really getting to know you and investing much of his own honest self in you. Trouble ahead.
Also watch to see if he makes eye contact and smiles, at least briefly. These are two friendly good signs. You do the same.
Swinging your hand side-to-side, instead of up and down: Bad news! He is trying to disarm you for manipulation later. This guy will be a "smooth talker" who will take everything you have then move on to another victim. Excuse yourself and leave now! This guy is very dangerous to your well being.
So if it is appropriate, whenever you can shake hands go ahead and do it to gather more information about the other person.
Women start at a young age learning to evaluate each man for their own safety with him and his potential as a future mate. Women do this mostly unconsciously because it is in their DNA programming from their millions of female ancestors.
Throughout human evolution, the women who made the best evaluations and choices in their mates produced the most children who survived best.
Our female ancestors' best choice for a mate was the healthy and strong guy with some caregiving skills who provided for and protected his mate and offspring. Today's women still look for that in potential mates.
Most men have in their DNA programming from their male ancestors the tendency to evaluate every woman's potential as a sex partner to make babies.
Men unconsciously watch for a woman's willingness to give him sex, if she appeals to him. And most healthy women are appealing to men! To a man, a woman's good health is indicated by what we call "beauty": Body symmetry, hair, teeth, and skin condition tell the story most obviously.
Her body language is one of the most revealing ways for him to determine if she is inclined to jump in the bed for a quickie, and that is what most men want. This game is all done unconsciously because healthy young men make 200 million to 300 million sperm a day! That is quite a load to carry around!
Our male ancient ancestors were quite good at spreading their seed around as evidenced by the overpopulation of the planet in a relatively short time. Few other mammals have been so successful at breeding.
Hopefully by now you have read enough of his body language to feel safe enough to continue talking. So now you want to find out how interesting he is and if he has interests similar to yours. The talk should now center around data gathering and finding common interests. What you are really interested in, is how you each live your life in order to determine if you two have a good chance for long-term compatibility -- or at least some fun together for a short time. That is your main interest at this step in finding a mate. However, maybe all he is interested in is how you look naked and how soon he can "climb on your bones". (Guys are wired differently than women, in case you haven't noticed!)
Summary So Far in Step 2: How to Bring Him Closer for Evaluation
You have gotten his attention, given him a signal that it is safe to approach you, and you have welcomed him into your space. You evaluated him up close and determined that he acted socialized and seemed safe. Now you two must do some data gathering and find common ground on which to build a continuing relationship.
This data gathering process is the point where the connection between you both can get to be really a lot of fun, or abruptly break off. So if he has not turned out to be a Neanderthal you are ready to move on to Step 3.
© Copyright 2005, revised 2009, 2015 by Lawrence Rodrigues, M.S., Director: EastWest Institute for Self-Understanding.
All rights reserved worldwide.